The Hidden Weight of Caring: Why Carers Need Support Too

Caring for a loved one is one of the most selfless acts a person can undertake. Whether you're supporting a parent with dementia, a child with disabilities, a partner with chronic illness, or a friend going through a difficult time, your care makes an immeasurable difference.

But there's a truth that many carers find hard to admit: caring is exhausting. It's emotionally draining, physically demanding, and often isolating. And while society celebrates the act of caring, it rarely acknowledges the toll it takes on the carer.

As a counsellor who specialises in supporting carers in Clapham, Balham, and Battersea, I've seen the hidden weight that carers carry. I've witnessed the guilt, the resentment, the grief, and the sheer exhaustion that comes with putting someone else's needs before your own, day after day.

If you're a carer feeling overwhelmed, this is for you.

Who Is a Carer?

First, let's expand the definition. You might be a carer if you:

- Provide regular unpaid support to a family member or friend

- Help with daily activities (cooking, cleaning, personal care)

- Manage medical appointments and medications

- Offer emotional support and companionship

- Advocate for someone who can't advocate for themselves

- Are the primary support person for someone with physical or mental health challenges

You don't need to be providing round-the-clock care to be a carer. Even a few hours a week of support can have a significant impact on your life.

Importantly, many carers don't identify themselves as such. They see themselves as simply being a good daughter, partner, parent, or friend. But recognising that you are in a caring role is the first step toward acknowledging your own needs.

The Emotional Challenges Carers Face

Caring brings up a complex mix of emotions—often conflicting emotions that can be difficult to process. Here are some of the most common:

Guilt and Resentment

Many carers experience a painful combination of guilt and resentment. You feel guilty for:

- Feeling resentful in the first place

- Wanting time for yourself

- Being impatient or frustrated

- Wishing things were different

- Sometimes wishing you weren't in this situation at all

At the same time, you resent:

- The loss of your freedom and independence

- The impact on your career or relationships

- The person you're caring for (even though you love them)

- Others who don't have these responsibilities

- The lack of recognition or support

This guilt-resentment cycle is exhausting and can leave you feeling like a terrible person. You're not. These feelings are normal, and they don't negate your love or your commitment.

Loss of Identity

Many carers describe feeling like they've lost themselves in the caring role. Your identity becomes "so-and-so's carer" rather than who you are as an individual. Your own needs, desires, and dreams get pushed to the background—sometimes so far that you forget what they were.

I worked with a client who had given up her career, her social life, and her hobbies to care for her mother. When her mother passed away, she didn't know who she was anymore. The grief was compounded by a profound identity crisis. 

Isolation

Caring can be incredibly isolating. You might:

- Have less time for friends and social activities

- Feel like others don't understand what you're going through

- Be unable to leave the house for extended periods

- Feel guilty about complaining when you know others have it worse

- Withdraw because it's easier than explaining your situation

Over time, this isolation can lead to depression and further erode your wellbeing.

Grief (For the Person Who Was)

If you're caring for someone whose condition has changed them—through dementia, brain injury, mental illness, or disability—you may be grieving the person they used to be. This is often called ambiguous loss: the person is physically present but psychologically absent or changed.

This grief is complicated because:

- The person is still alive, so others may not recognise your loss

- You might feel guilty for grieving someone who is still here

- The loss is ongoing, not a one-time event

- You're simultaneously grieving and caring for the person

Financial Stress

Many carers experience financial strain:

- Reduced working hours or giving up work entirely

- Extra expenses related to care

- Navigating complex benefits systems

- Worry about long-term financial security

This stress adds another layer of pressure to an already difficult situation.

Signs You Need Support as a Carer

How do you know when caring has become too much? Here are some signs:

- You're constantly exhausted, even after rest

- You're irritable or short-tempered with the person you care for

- You've lost interest in activities you used to enjoy

- You're neglecting your own health (missing appointments, not eating well)

- You're using alcohol or other substances to cope

- You feel hopeless or depressed

- You're having thoughts of self-harm or suicide

- You're resentful of the person you care for

- You feel like you have no life of your own

If you recognise several of these signs, it's time to seek support. This isn't selfish—it's necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't provide sustainable care if you're running on empty.

How Therapy Specifically Helps Carers

Therapy provides a space that's entirely for you—a rare thing when you're used to putting others first. Here's how it can help:

A Safe Space to Be Honest

In therapy, you can say the things you can't say anywhere else:

- "I'm resentful"

- "I want my life back"

- "Sometimes I wish this was over"

- "I feel guilty for feeling this way"

These feelings don't make you a bad carer. They make you human. Therapy gives you permission to express them without judgment.

Processing Complex Emotions

Therapy helps you navigate the complex emotional landscape of caring:

- Working through guilt and resentment

- Grieving losses while managing ongoing care

- Rebuilding your sense of identity

- Managing anger and frustration

Developing Coping Strategies

You'll learn practical tools for:

- Managing stress and overwhelm

- Setting boundaries (and dealing with the guilt that comes with them)

- Finding moments of respite

- Communicating your needs to others

- Asking for and accepting help

Exploring Your Options

Therapy can help you think through difficult decisions:

- Whether to continue caring or seek alternative arrangements

- How to balance caring with other responsibilities

- How to advocate for more support

- What your life might look like beyond caring

Preventing Burnout

Perhaps most importantly, therapy can help you recognise the signs of carer burnout and take steps to prevent it. Burnout doesn't just affect you—it affects the quality of care you can provide.

Practical Self-Care for Carers

While therapy provides deeper support, here are some practical strategies you can implement now:

Accept Help

When someone offers help, say yes. Be specific about what would be most useful:

- "Could you sit with Mum for an hour on Tuesday so I can go to the gym?"

- "Would you be able to pick up some groceries?"

- "Could you make some phone calls for me?"

People often want to help but don't know how. Tell them.

Schedule Respite

Respite isn't optional—it's essential. Even a few hours a week can make a difference. Look into:

- Local carer support services

- Day centres or respite care

- Family or friends who can step in

- Professional respite services

Maintain Social Connections

Isolation worsens everything. Even if it's just a phone call or a coffee with a friend, maintain your social connections. You need people who see you as more than just a carer.

Look After Your Health

Don't skip your own medical appointments. Eat regular meals. Try to get some sleep. Take any medications you're prescribed. You matter too.

Join a Carer Support Group

Connecting with other carers can be incredibly validating. Look for local support groups or online communities where you can share experiences and advice.

You Deserve Support Too

If you're reading this as a carer, I want you to hear this: you deserve support. Your wellbeing matters. Your needs are valid. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary.

Caring for a loved one is one of the hardest things a person can do. You don't have to do it alone.

I offer specialised counselling for carers from my practices in Clapham, Balham, and Battersea, as well as online sessions for those who find it difficult to leave home. I understand the unique challenges carers face, and I provide a safe, supportive space where you can be honest about your experience.

Are you a carer feeling overwhelmed?  

[Book your free 15-minute consultation](/contact) or call 07989 575 876.  

I offer face-to-face sessions in Clapham (SW4), Balham (SW12), and Battersea (SW11), as well as online therapy via Zoom. Sessions available in French and English.